When Did Homesickness Hit Me?

This is probably going to be a pretty long post as I’ve done a lot of thinking about the subject. I’ve been putting off writing it for a while because, in all honesty, it’s still something I’m trying to work my way through and figure out how to manage.

I plan on doing a series about this topic, seeing as it plays such a prominent part in the process of moving country. Don’t get me wrong, moving country is such an exciting thing to do and I in no way regret my decision but it does definitely take a while to get used to!

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It took me about two months of living in the US.

Shortly after I moved over, my parents and brother came over for the wedding and stayed for 2 weeks, so I had the comfort of home in their presence.

However, after the wedding, everybody went back to Scotland which was difficult but cushioned by the fact that we went on our little road trip mini-moon. It wasn’t really until the week after we got home from our trip, that homesickness really started to hit me and it hit me hard…

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There’s no sugar-coating it… it feels horrible!

I’m not going to sit here and lie to you, it’s a horrible feeling, missing that sense of familiarity and your friends & family. It can hit you out of the blue or you may feel it gradually building over days or even weeks! This feeling can range from twinges in your stomach, to full-blown crying, and at the extreme end, not wanting to get out of bed because you miss home and the people who have been with you your entire life, so much.

Us humans are creatures of habit, meaning that we like a certain amount of routine in our lives. We get used to doing things in a way that is familiar to us and when you make a permanent move like this, it completely shakes that up, because everything that was once routine is now foreign and strange. You have to learn everything all over again and being out of your comfort zone constantly with so many everyday things, can be completely overwhelming and sometimes exhausting.

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Rationalizing your feelings… 

I recently read a blog post on Grit&Glamour about homesickness that really helped me rationalize my feelings. In the post, she talks about how the stages of grief can also be applicable to the stages of homesickness.

I think this is such a great way to process the feelings you experience when you move country, as it helps you understand the ups and the downs, but most of all make you realize that everything you are feeling is a normal reaction to the changes you’ve made to your life.

You can read her full post here .

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My Take on the 5 Stages of Grief: Applied to a Transatlantic Move

Now to be clear, you may not go through these feelings in this order, you may go through some of them more than once or you may skip some completely. The important thing to remember is that it’s just a method to rationalize your feelings and there really is no time limit in which you transition through each stage. You will have good days and you will have bad days, but hopefully, the good days outweigh the bad!

Denial 

When I was leaving Scotland, I pushed the sadness away and comforted myself with thoughts and expressions like “it’s not that big a move”, “things won’t change that much”, “I’ll come back all the time” and to friends and family, “you will come visit me in between”. I convinced myself that talking on the phone and visits every few months would fully substitute seeing my friends and family face-to-face on a daily basis, which is ironic, seeing as I had done a long distance relationship with Anthony for 18 months prior and knew that was not the case.

Initially, when I moved over, I thought I was a natural when it came to moving country! The first couple of weeks were such an adrenaline rush, I didn’t realize it at the time, but it really felt more like an extended vacation and less like a permanent move.

Anger

This one came in the form of anger towards myself, for not appreciating being at home when I was. I was so excited about moving, I couldn’t wait to be with Anthony full-time but didn’t fully register the long-term sacrifice I would be making in order to do that.

There was also a mixture of anger and sadness, that I was missing out on events I would normally have been a part of. I felt guilty for not being there, for not being in the loop 24/7 and most of all because I’ve not received my travel authorization to leave the USA yet, I was angry that I wasn’t allowed to go visit whenever I felt like it.

Bargaining

I then transitioned into bargaining, which was in the form of making plans with people back home in order to make myself feel better that I was so far away from them. I started planning a trip home in the new year, I arranged numerous phone calls with all my friends and family and sensing my homesickness kicking in they began to arrange trips to come visit me.

Depression

For someone who couldn’t wait to no longer be in a long distance relationship and who always wanted to move country, this phase kind of surprised me a little. I became extremely nostalgic for my old life, for the independence I had and how confident I was in everyday life.

I missed the places I used to go, being around people who have known me my entire life, who understand my humour fully (the Scottish sense of humour is very unique), I missed getting cuddles from my mum, having my brother just down the hall, Thursday night dinners at my grandparents and being able to call my best friends and tell them I’m coming round. This stage for me very much represented grieving over my past life and to be honest is still something that I’m trying to maneuver through.

Visiting a place every couple of months and living there are two completely different experiences. For a start, when you’re a visitor you usually always have someone with you, you don’t need to know where everything is because you’re still blessed with that ‘tourist status’ and your perspective on your new home country is always exciting because it’s not your everyday normal routine. Most importantly, when you’re a tourist in a different country you always have that quiet reassurance that you are going home eventually, which you no longer have the comfort of when you immigrate. As much as I hated going home at the time, as it meant leaving Anthony, it also meant that I never missed my family and friends like I do now because I knew that it wouldn’t be long until I saw them again.

With being unable to work, I am forced to spend a lot of my time by myself as all my friends and family in the USA have full-time jobs… I love my own company, but there is sometimes too much of a good thing! What I mean by this is, for me, a lot of alone time normally leads to overthinking, which leads to anxiety, which then exacerbates my homesickness! If there’s one thing I’ve learned recently, it’s that I’m not very good at relaxing and I actually enjoy having responsibilities and people depending on me.

Acceptance

To be honest I’m not completely at this stage yet, it’s really difficult being so far away as I was very close with my family and best friends…after all is there anything more important in life, than the people you have around you?

Once I get a job and have more of a routine in my life, I think that will give me a lot of independence again and a sense of purpose. Another factor is that it really does take TIME to get used to this kind of lifestyle change, I have to keep reminding myself, I’ve only been here just over three months.

I’m still working through the process of coming to terms with the fact that my life won’t ever be the same as it was before, but it can be just as good if not better… at the end of the day, Scotland and everyone I hold dear there, is just a plane ride away!

One quote that really resonated with me, is by Miriam Adeney:

“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.”

So maybe it’s not about trying to replicate that exact feeling of familiarity I had in Scotland…maybe it’s about learning to appreciate the fact that I’m lucky enough to now call two countries in different continents, both filled with wonderful people, my home.